I thought I should post a little update on some of the mental things I’m doing a little bit differently this audition than I’ve done in the past. I only have four weeks, well not even at this point! I have 2 1/2 weeks! Oh no!
My first project was to practice slowly with the subdivision. I started at half tempo and pretty quickly found out that it was too slow when you have to slam together your best work as fast as possible. Basically I had an okay lesson that week, but it seemed like I still didn’t “know” how all the excerpts went.
Which leads me pretty quickly to my first mental coaching session. I don’t want to talk too much about another professional’s work, so if you have any specific questions, I’ll be happy to talk one-on-one, but out of respect I’ll keep it a little vague. But basically what it boiled down to were some new techniques to build confidence, build deep and fast preparation, and then a few new techniques to keep me hyper-focused when it actually counts. Things to keep me engaged in things other than “oh shit here comes the hard part” or “omg I can’t play this excerpt” or “did someone just cough from behind the screen?” Performance psychology pulls a lot from sports psychology, so that gets referenced a lot in any of these, and basically I’m working on a mental script. Oh and I got some solid advice for visualizing. I just asked, and the response was, yeah you’re trying to do way too much, here’s the starter version of how to visualize.
I took some of the techniques to my lesson and got some good feedback, but some of the things I was using to keep me focused also made me sound a little mechanical. So this week it’s been about trying to incorporate that while keeping the big picture in mind. And the net result is that I’m focusing less on playing the right notes and more on how the notes serve the bigger message. Not gonna lie, not sure I’m doing a great job at it, and it’s pretty mentally taxing. Especially when I think about 80% of my practice is spent drilling because I’m deathly afraid of crashing and burning on three excerpts. Negative motivation is motivation.
The last thing I really want to hit is the meditation. I’m doing 30 minutes a day divided into two sessions – a morning centering and focus recording and then in the evening I actually started doing the Kenny Werner tracks. They’re a little New Age-y for my taste, but because he’s also a musician, the background music is actually pretty nice and he manages to come across as genuine and authentic, even if some of the stuff might be a little cheesy. He pretty much strikes at the core of musicians’ self-doubt. I’ll probably actually put away the perfectionist book and read his book instead. He puts in a 20-minute meditation everything that I’ve been working on in my lessons about feeding the positive thoughts and putting away the negative thoughts, it’s just that instead of once a week, I can get it every day in meditation. So that actually has been working for me. It also balances that negative motivation I just mentioned.
And also, honest moment here, I have meditated a lot in the past, but I frequently did it before bed and would fall asleep halfway through. Doing 5 minutes of deep breathing in the morning before I practiced was good, but a 10-minute focus meditation is better. The whole thing about simply observing without judgment – it’s exactly what my practice needs.
So while I’m sitting there pounding out one line of Ruslan and Ludmilla for what seems like an eternity (this is one of those if you know, you know, moments), I find myself better able to stop being frustrated and instead go, okay, hey look dang my left shoulder is really tight. What if I release that? Or, hey, what if I just play this like it’s not hard? Just take a deep breath, and play and make my air like I’m playing long tones but my fingers are wiggling? See what works, and keep it, and if it doesn’t, drop it. No judgment.
Is it going to make any miracles? I wouldn’t go that far. I did try playing the last page of Weber beyond goal tempo, and the first attempt was really good, so I decided to record myself and fell on my face. But I did it once, and I’m like, you know, screw it, I don’t think I’m the type of player for this audition, but I’m going because I can’t not, so I might as well go clarinets blazing.
And if you’re wondering, my son found a sticky note with a positive self-talk I had on it, and on the back he wrote “I yuv Mama” (or at least that’s what he told Daddy he wrote). Always good to keep perspective on what’s really important in life!
Sweet Vibrations 